19

Longest arc, I felt the slope first go downhill into some faraway land.
The streets seemed to go on forever, existence into memories.
Pale under the dark cover of night, bedtime stories, dormitories, this terrified boy now a man.
I still feel it, aching in my bones.
The love for sowing oats and no concern to return home.
I traded you, handed you around, let you off at the corner. Tossed the street urchins change and moved on.
Food carts, wrappers and cigarettes.
Simple child, simpler expectations, no regrets.
Fleeting chill in the air, easing my bones,
giving me back my childhood
and another night of rest.

Someday.

I can’t live for someday, I can only live for today.
The joy of holiday lights, accompanying the quiet waltz of two lovers finally awake.
Discarding restless pasts, tired eyes to gaze.
No longer staring into souls, hearts fawning out the flames,
once set ablaze.
Starlight, where space infinitely yawns at our dilemma.
Ever knowing presence of the moon and its gravitational pull.
Constant, predictable—the earth feels the tug, relentless, yet forgiving.
Loving.
Always returning for another pass. Only several blinks away.
Doing it all over tomorrow.
Again and again.

Connect.

I am missing.

I miss writing scribble resembling prose, conversations going nowhere, rhythmical inflections predisposed.

I miss hands of youthful vigor, broken moments, guiding lights and triggers.
Fighting exhaustive battles between two poles, long defeats, stumbling, whereabouts unknown.

I miss the sentiment and platitudes, taking cities one pavement at a time, reliance and gratitude, longing again for the first time.

I miss the fight, the excuse to stay,
slipping under the cover of night,
in the getaway car so I can run away.

I miss the days, darkened rooms, the palpable dismay,
looking for corners where I can hide in the fray.
Under shelter, accepting surrender, the ambient light of this new day.

I am missing.

Circling the Stars

Calling out and you’re not there.
We had all we wanted but I couldn’t see.
I live in half-truths, spent time from wasted youth,
or one last time to be next to you.
To feel your calm. To feel your unrest.

Can you see it for what it is?
Circling, circling…only to find dead ends.
With your tongue in cheek, you can’t speak, but you know it’s already been said.

No one sees you for who you are. Circling the stars…

Belong.

You held me close, said don’t let go and I fell into the arms of another

Skinned your knee, the rule of three, strike out the feelings of others

My mother concedes, press on the womb, but it feels so much more like a tomb

And I’ve escaped this alone.

 

My greatest fear, I’d keep you here, all you claimed was your freedom

I’m the same, selfish blame, my kids & the will to release them

Weeks spent between, swaddled here, amidst the loss of connection

Dreamt of you, and the chance to renew, do you still think of me too ?

And all you held in your hands, was never part of the plan. A page in the same book, no one but you and I understand— all that you hate, all that you love , blurring the lines just to make it up…and we made it up as we went along

I don’t belong.

Happy for you, but that’s a lie too, when you left me here to latch on

To someone new, no one like you, the potent lure of dependence

Smallness of self, the weight of the earth and each new passing day

From here, from my birth

No more protecting your worth

 

This will get easier with each passing day, I hold onto you until the memory fades…