Stalemate

I’m stuck inside a stalemate I don’t know when it began,
I sure as hell couldn’t stop it then and I sure as hell can’t now
The only thing I know to do that works,
is sit and feel this hurt.

I’ve woken up so many time to wonder where I’m at,
I sure feel like I knew it, before I took this 4 day nap,
But I’ve grown to love this place, sitting with my pain.

I’ve become a stranger, to myself but no one else,
they all think I’ve got it down no need to call my bluff
How odd a place, which recognized my game, with nothing left to say.

If this was a daydream, I’d make sure I was a star,
A selfish vagabond who’s consumed with nothing more.
Than keeping all who love him safely at arm’s length.

So ruffle my pillow & make sure I’m awake,
There’s endless, new horizons
Yesterday can’t take.
All this reality is here and now
in every waking hour.

19

Longest arc, I felt the slope first go downhill into some faraway land.
The streets seemed to go on forever, existence into memories.
Pale under the dark cover of night, bedtime stories, dormitories, this terrified boy now a man.
I still feel it, aching in my bones.
The love for sowing oats and no concern to return home.
I traded you, handed you around, let you off at the corner. Tossed the street urchins change and moved on.
Food carts, wrappers and cigarettes.
Simple child, simpler expectations, no regrets.
Fleeting chill in the air, easing my bones,
giving me back my childhood
and another night of rest.

Connect.

I am missing.

I miss writing scribble resembling prose, conversations going nowhere, rhythmical inflections predisposed.

I miss hands of youthful vigor, broken moments, guiding lights and triggers.
Fighting exhaustive battles between two poles, long defeats, stumbling, whereabouts unknown.

I miss the sentiment and platitudes, taking cities one pavement at a time, reliance and gratitude, longing again for the first time.

I miss the fight, the excuse to stay,
slipping under the cover of night,
in the getaway car so I can run away.

I miss the days, darkened rooms, the palpable dismay,
looking for corners where I can hide in the fray.
Under shelter, accepting surrender, the ambient light of this new day.

I am missing.

Belong.

You held me close, said don’t let go and I fell into the arms of another

Skinned your knee, the rule of three, strike out the feelings of others

My mother concedes, press on the womb, but it feels so much more like a tomb

And I’ve escaped this alone.

 

My greatest fear, I’d keep you here, all you claimed was your freedom

I’m the same, selfish blame, my kids & the will to release them

Weeks spent between, swaddled here, amidst the loss of connection

Dreamt of you, and the chance to renew, do you still think of me too ?

And all you held in your hands, was never part of the plan. A page in the same book, no one but you and I understand— all that you hate, all that you love , blurring the lines just to make it up…and we made it up as we went along

I don’t belong.

Happy for you, but that’s a lie too, when you left me here to latch on

To someone new, no one like you, the potent lure of dependence

Smallness of self, the weight of the earth and each new passing day

From here, from my birth

No more protecting your worth

 

This will get easier with each passing day, I hold onto you until the memory fades…

 

Distance

I’ve accumulated too much, and I want to strip it bare, but still, nowhere. What tickles my spine when the nerves in my fingertips go numb, and I‘m left here staring at blank pages waiting for the words to come. Or the answers, shouting orders so I don’t turn the psyche off and run.

I am inescapable, I am a throne to myself, my worst fears and enemies from foreign lands welcomed in by my own hand.

Staring at the clock hands, digitized, meeting unrealistic demands, to slow down and shut off, pushing the mountain closer to my feet, as the steep fall becomes dreadful. Attention to the distance, my footing as precarious as the unknown.

I fall, I fall. Until there’s only the breath left in the air. Acquiesce, all those who knew me here.

Swallowed up by the Earth

Is this how you imagined it, when you set out?

City streets, crossroads, seeking new faces.

They look the same, no longer strange, because everything has changed… Were there other plans to slip away?

And could you run, could you hide, or fathom an alternate life; with an ending that may have been written all along?

Its one hell of a ride. When it’s over, who decides? I can’t begin to imagine how you feel.

Just let go of the wheel.

Were there faces and names, broken engagements all written in flames, ashes trailing off in the sky. Sparing everyone else, to make them happy instead of yourself.

How well I play the victim.