October 9, 2010

“Manic depression is a frustrating mess” – Jimi Hendrix

The intangible objects lay in front of me dancing to my dissatisfaction, restless and piercing the fever and impulses shutting down my brain. I didn’t know what time it was but everyone in the house was long asleep. There was an entire army of sleepless dreadnoughts waiting in the bay to fire at will. Chaos feels like order in the waning and sleep deprived hours between twilight and the next round of shells, fragmenting my mind– what was left of it anyway.

I wasn’t tired; I wasn’t coherent and was coming unglued as well. The scattered pile of ornate things, electronics and a silent television- my only companion; made sense to me and only me, any other person who’d have come in contact would have thought I was hoarding; and maybe I was. The practicality of insanity is that it is very unattractive to the unfamiliar. Fuck those people.

‘Crazy’ becomes a relative term and it still means little to me.

I knew the advent of my disorder was at hand after a late night session like this (and there were so many) and my first episode was a lucid dream or the worst ‘reality show’ you’ve ever seen, because no one could feel like this; no one in their right mind. In the waking hours, or the 25th hour of this new awareness; I would send text messages to my wife like “I am a god; I can smash through walls”. It must have been terrifying for her. Any true friends I had during this period must’ve wanted to float me out to sea and watch from the shoreline. It’s safer from a distance; anyone who’s been to the psych ward will tell you that.

And who would risk safety to push me to dry land?? I would have bailed on myself.

I should have been terrified but instead I was thrilled.

Me & The Stars At Night (your hollowed out voices escape)

There’s no disparity in this course I’ve steered, exclusions I’ve made and making sense of the moving air, now just removed.

The ground gave way and I fell 100 feet.
My legs splintered and I’ve scraped and crawled to get back to the top, or at least find a new opening.
Lower some rope. I’ll know what to do.

I heard all your voices. I remembered that you once gave a shit. You once put up with me.
All I did was provide the waste material.
No laughter, no recall- just the spite and the stars in the night.
Weary as I am. Weary as I am.

It’s cold here underground.
I miss you beyond belief. Beyond my own grief.
The sound of falling stars crashing all around me.
Your voices faint and wispy- disappearing into the stretch of clouds up ahead.