90 days, before I came,
the mend is long and hard now I’m done here.
I don’t remember the sun hidden in this shade
days and days… blur in a straight line.
Muscles tense and the fire in me doused by the indifference of all those I left behind.
The longest three days, followed by a brokenness that couldn’t be believed.
Staring out the window waiting for god to feel relief.
45 years, flashback to tears,
that lonely dusk in a city waiting with promise.
My time machine in the shop.
The high road looked so good from here,
but its all that I feared, and when I woke it passed my line of sight.
I wondered why I had to see you in my dreams again
unforgiving in time, one that came and went
I held on, briefly paused
Realized this dream is a lost cause.
What should I do now that my trial is up?
New ventures ahead instead of dead ends.
A heartbeat when I thought I was gone.
The road that goes on and on.
For suicide awareness month…
If I left AMA, would you follow me
or discard my memory?
I fought the best I could.
Broken, left my heart rotted
how did the world forget?
Knew this would be my last chance
at redemption, not death.
The stranger you watched a thousand times
circled the earth, starved and died.
We forgot how to love.
I wonder what its like, real adults, vacations,
sandy shores, 401 k’s, the land of more,
and undecidely bored.
A tired statement on the weariest of souls.
I wonder what it’s like.
Walked along a hazy skyline where carousel’s spin, ice cream melting on beach worn skin,
dripping from your chin
and the zeal of youth for everyone to entertain.
35 years, when I was no longer “sane”
or normal, never to return again.
Strippers bleeding wallets, in a blur,
each more surreal than the one before.
I wonder what its like to be human like you,
I want that too.
Regal me with tales when the world was yours
when I grew tired of this land of yore
the waves grew distant, the beach, the shore,
never knowing what adulthood had in store.
I wonder what it’s like to be human like you,
I want that too.
Lets begin, where the last one ends,
it can be that easy,
We can finish, and in between,
see where it leads us.
Make it last, this may be our only chance.
Crack the doorway, each new day, forge our voice.
Love is not an illusion,
Love discarded and used when
the satisfaction is gone.
We’ll make friends, we’ll comprehend
that the world don’t need us.
If this change is a means to an end,
we’ll pretend it don’t mean much.
We can start something new.
don’t give a damn how I feel.
Or whether I hold onto my next meal.
Fuck you and your last breath.
I’ll see you eye to eye until your death.
To live inside a song lyric,
how precious that would be.
To cast aside the melancholy,
pleasant artifacts for you and me.
To walk on a movie set,
every line fed, better than the last.
The thrill of those first glances,
rewritten, another scripted romance.
To live inside this poem here,
dreading fear, knowing this will pass.
Lovers knocking buildings down,
pulling rubble from the ground
sharing affections of a world
Change is coming, I can feel it in the air,
there’s no sense in running,
cause I can’t get out of here.
Chasing my shadow, held in by these walls,
Throwing out past lives-
why am I running at all?
I’m free, I’m free.
writing my own story… I am free.