I understand now why people get dogs.
And what do I really know of the great beyond?
Truth, bulldozing my path.
Pain, my sure-fire escape to a better life.
These years are sailing by
with little more than a trail in the sky.
I fall back into this so easy.
You made my mind stir, the house I built with twigs, the mind that waits until nightfall.
“Oh my..” she whispered,
the room went chill
my eyes went blind,
how I viewed myself
when i fell so far behind.
The snow in my palms, watching the children build forts, making snowmen– repelling adulthood.
The laughter of minds not yet spent, replacing the pain I feel in my head.
Its only temporary.
Not the first or the last.
This too shall pass,
What would you know about blinking at an oncoming train,
battering ram-style and grace,
she left this place, your mind blown, face intact.
I heard the blitz, oncoming lights,
tracking her thighs the whole way in,
until my skin burned and fringe,
escaping her vice grip, under the pressure of skin sheathed in leather and disguise, bruises to hide and a man she couldn’t deal into a pool of sharks, fins and tails- the last thing you saw are the whites of their eyes.
Jaws gnashing your torso right above the waist.
This isn’t what she thought you’d be and you became that same thing you hate, she hated, breathing through a feeding tube that was handed to you.
Indigestible blocks of dead air, looser strands of hair,
on the kitchen floor- clinging between nails
and toes that scurry, the fridge for milk, cover Lucky Charms… shovel it in as fast as you can.
The only luck you’ll find in these late hours. Red 40 and a bitter taste she left that you can never cover up.
Everybody moves on.
I keep holding on.
Vice grip blues.
I hold onto you, but you never turned your head to see me.
We thought on the same plane, I existed once
maybe that was my defect. Seems personal now.
But it’s not your problem, you just kept walking
into the sun- or maybe an impasse and then a rest stop to thank the ground for keeping pace
I wanted you to wait for me. I could hear the shuffle of feet
You never said goodbye.
You never told me you’d miss me.
The days stretched into years.
I’m still waiting here.
This storybook romance, as a kid who knew little.
A godless world of men/children and seekers of caves to hide,
cavemen, with little room for women inside
purchased on credit, a debt owed for no repentance
Prostitutes or strippers,
no discerning between the two,
sorry lives that hold only resentment.
Cash sale, and how did it fail,
who takes the blame for this execution?
If you only could stay, pardon the world for screwing you this way.
The mirror image, now growing old, way too tired to play along
your mind wanting to forget today
You can’t remember when you came alive
Only to be pronounced dead after such a short time.
Pictures torn from your past, the recluse, the lost years
singe hair and skin, old age spots… the sun no longer your friend
Places people and things
Don’t mean anything
if you allow it all back in
whenever it can
Talking with no walking,
Words and lip service and derailed again
My mind a sieve, walked on by myself, makes no sense
Somehow I thought I had this licked
Still the pariah, with the wounds and pricks
The past careening into my neck
At break neck speed snapped me back into my seat
Flung me out in the street
Roadkill and rubber neck
Trampled under foot from all those who wished me dead
It was a bitter pill to choke down
I wish there was more of a warning this time
I relied on you and I don’t know why?
All this love to give, my expectation that you would just bandage me up.
Band aids on a twelve inch cut,
Bled out, strip search
And I’d say something like “this will be the last time”,
but I’ve learned enough
call my own bullshit and let the past creep
to take over
I’d take you anyway you would come
Just know I’m gone before you’re done
It’s in my nature to not care what happens to us
Settled less in your heart more than it ever was
My box shaped heart, jagged lines where butterflies stirred
Dreams of adolescents who found love the first time, possible, inert
Maturity and leftovers, jilted lovers fighting over the scraps
Spilling into streams of lust, I would trade for the hole filled gaps
purpose- stripped of pretense
And all the strings we puppeteer with safety nets
Over and over
Until I walk home, passing your remnants along the road
Moths scurried in darkness, no color to their wings
Three months severed, petty things,
no wisdom to bleed