Just Today

I can’t qualify who I am, or where I am,
I’m just glad to be alive today.
Don’t care about doctor’s appointments or bills going unpaid.
I woke with myself intact, far from when I started, 5 years long on this path.
A skeletal soul with no place to go,
now I have purpose in the smallest details.
Destined to flourish, not afraid to fail.

I am a survivor, but nothing special.

Still don’t know how this will all play out,
But I know who I’m not, and I’m no longer there.
Just today, the distance of 5 years.

Both Sides

“What can I do to save my friends from the same things that still try and destroy me?” – Tim

Seeing red, the devil in the details,
so widespread,
and I can see you bleeding from here.
You’re teetering on the fence:
the one side- a sewage drain, blackened stains, sulfuric air,
fallen in, knee deep & stuck,
corralled into the waiting cypher, where no one visits and nobody cares– no one that hasn’t already put up with enough.
On the other side, the grass looks plush,
clover underfoot, green/lush,
a spectacle; the propensity for charm,
the taller stalks of mint, backwashed into the soil.
Fresh scents, crushing the memory of pungent elixir,
weeping into the air,
lost it’s charm long before you ever got there.
Far too late to turn back now,
churns your heavy heart, aching limbs;
towards that insurmountable gape.

We never truly get there, we just keep… walking–
towards the sun, no longer your enemy;
towards the light, into something better than ‘right’,
that place you started and quickly devolved,
the awaiting fallout, pond scum and wet brain…
no family to absorb your sick,
your lonely– your pathetic reach for one more drink.
Knowing well, you chose the side where things don’t go to die.
The devil patiently waiting for his turn… as you turn your back.

Passenger

Places people and things
Don’t mean anything
if you allow it all back in
whenever it can
Talking with no walking,
Words and lip service and derailed again
My mind a sieve, walked on by myself, makes no sense
Somehow I thought I had this licked
Still the pariah, with the wounds and pricks
The past careening into my neck
At break neck speed snapped me back into my seat
Flung me out in the street
Roadkill and rubber neck
Trampled under foot from all those who wished me dead
It was a bitter pill to choke down
I wish there was more of a warning this time
I relied on you and I don’t know why?
All this love to give, my expectation that you would just bandage me up.
Band aids on a twelve inch cut,
Seriously fucked
Bled out, strip search
And I’d say something like “this will be the last time”,
but I’ve learned enough
call my own bullshit and let the past creep
back in…
to take over
yet again.

Fear of Falling (13th & Chestnut)

I am a sunbeam- a laser beam, the terror stream
Relentless and unborn
Ripped the cap of too many Olde E’s
Stripped the sidewalk, battle worn, re-born (again)
so I can tear myself apart
“You don’t have the guts” she said,
far too gone to start
maimed, and pulled back from the ledge
where I saw my roommates and good friends teeter on the verge, feet across the edge
foolish youth and the sad things we dread.

Me, peering from the scourge
too many memories, not so fond
(A learning process to just hold on)
Long enough to pull me apart and leave me there
crouched in the background, my idle mind
with the empty bottle, the soul to purge,
what was left to keep- what’s yours is yours, what’s yours is mine
The nearest life bleeding and new life, new breathe found
and the cold winter air.
I promised myself that would BE THE LAST TIME!

I don’t want either of you to die, plummet nine stories below.
So I’ll hold you up in mind, my memory careening, inaction;
left on the ledge, afraid to leave
equally terrified to live.

December 17th

Touch my soul- my beard, for appearances
and I must look 100 years old.
But we were kids when everything went orange & red,
the sunspots creep inside my head- sad places that experience yields.

What a crock, this letdown, left high
paranoid of these fleeting moments until they subside.
Panic at the coasters peak, the horizon where I rode free.

The freedom of youth, mired in responsibility
paved with indifference… just as I left you here